When Gulls Attack
Pests, politicians and policy from Scotland
‘Yes, it talked about people waving their arms in order to distract birds, and, yes, it talked about staring at seagulls because seagulls do not like eye contact. The Conservative members can sit and laugh. They can joke about this, but they are the ones who brought the matter to the chamber.’
Jim Fairlie, Scotland’s Minister for Agriculture and Connectivity, Meeting of the Parliament, 1 October 2025
As Cold War Two trundles on, the Scottish parliament remains laser-focused on defending the Scots from aerial threats, perhaps even with lasers. Not from Russian jets, but from gulls. Not Russian gulls either, but homegrown ones.
The bird issue has become so tense that it led to an urban gull summit in September. The summit itself became a battleground. First in a war of words about scheduling and access then physically, in the corridors of the Holyrood parliament! The police got involved, and a minister resigned. The birds, if anyone had bothered to ask them, would rightly be appalled by the way we humans interact. In fact, you can hear them shouting about it from the rooftops.
We tend to see gulls as pests, but they usually mirror our own earthly behaviour. They raid bins, yes, but it is our trash they feast on. My series Gulls of Greatness began as an antidote to human hubris: no matter how high we soar in life, the birds will always be above us, sometimes crapping on our heads.
But, seriously folks, gull numbers are declining. As Jim Fairlie noted on 1 October: ‘Black-headed gull numbers have gone down by 75 per cent, common gull numbers have gone down by 53 per cent, lesser black-backed gull numbers have gone down by 48 per cent, herring gull numbers have gone down by 44 per cent and great black-backed gull numbers have gone down by 63 per cent.’
So what do we do when birds attack? You cannot legally kill them, so here are some handy hints from the gull summit in Inverness to keep you safe.
Stare
This works with sharks too, I am told. They never taught me this in my zoology degree, but this is the real university-of-life practical wisdom you need. Who will blink first? Likely it will be the human, because gulls can really stare, right through your soul from the pits of hell. Remember to blink, but not for too long.
Gesture
If you encounter wasps or hippos, standing still is encouraged, but this will not work with gulls. I flap at wasps, and I once ran from a charging hippo. This is because I had been defense-trained on gulls during my time in Aberdeen, Europe’s oil (and seagull) capital. Fleeing, shouting or spiralling arms is acceptable behaviour to repel the birds. Come at me, gulls – make my day.
Eyes
This was a genuine suggestion from NatureScot, apparently: putting googly or hand-drawn eyes on takeaway boxes. Reminds me of the Bluey ‘Curry Quest’ episode.
Lasers
Caution! This is for licensed professionals only. Deterrents can include measures such as the use of lasers, noise, roof spikes and netting to prevent nesting. The government has offered £100,000 to help fund this next year. Perhaps we could also pay TikTok influencers to stand on roofs making noise all day. But that would only replace one pest with another.
So, facing a pesky gull? Think SGEL. Stare, Gesture, Eyes, Lasers.
P.S. By a sweet coincidence, the MSP who first raised concerns about the gulls is Douglas Ross, a parliamentarian for Moray, location of the Typhoon base that has dealt with Russia aircraft incursions. Watch out gulls, the RAF will be coming for you next.
129 random selected gulls would be able to develop a more coherent policy.